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Thursday, February 20, 2014

Chasing Nightmares by Deb Donahue

Romantic Suspense


CHAPTER 1

Lee Taylor watched the second hand travel toward the twelve. Then, for the first time, he moved. With a stealth nearly equal to the movement of the clock, he lifted his arms up off his bed and held them in front of his eyes.
White swathes of gauze circled his wrists.
Memory returned in ebony waves. The ride in the night, the scream of tires, sparks from the scrape of steel across asphalt, the blade of the knife as he slit through white skin to dark blood. All the scenes played back in slow motion. He fought the memories. His tensed arms shook until he no longer had the strength to hold them up.
He became still again, wishing he could turn off all awareness. The door opened and footsteps entered the bedroom. Still turned away, he knew someone looked down on him.
A cold finger tilted his face toward his visitor.
“There seems to be a little improvement in your color this afternoon,” Charles commented. “How does it feel to be alive?”
For an instant, hate flared within Lee. Buried deep, the ember of emotion glowed red but he would not allow it to gather fuel. Deliberately, he willed his body to relax, inviting back the apathy of before.
As Charles examined his injuries, Lee did not flinch. Eyes on the ceiling, he endured the inspection until the removal of the blood pressure cuff split the silence with a tearing noise.
“You’re healthier than you deserve to be.” Charles gathered his instruments and walked to the door, pausing before he stepped out. “You must have inherited your father’s damnable luck as well as his disturbed mind.”
The suppressed fires of Lee’s rage exploded in the now empty room.
*
Anne’s stomach lurched as the jet lifted off the runway. She had to be crazy. She had lied to her employer, nearly depleted her small bank account and alienated the only close friend she had ever had.
As she remembered Pat, Anne felt suddenly very small and alone and frightened. Pat had created quite a scene when she found out about Anne’s decision.
“You are not going to do this,” Pat had said firmly. “I won’t let you.”
“You don’t have to let me, Pat. You may be surprised to hear this, but I’m an adult. And you are not my keeper.”
Pat had been hurt, that much showed in her face, but she was angry also.
“Adults don’t fly to Colorado to chase nightmares,” she had retorted.
Which was true. Now that she was actually in the air, Anne realized she had acted foolishly. She felt like she had stepped from narrow confines into a vast, dangerous zone. She almost wept when she thought about the feeling of safety she had thrown away.
Still, she remained convinced her dream meant more than just an unconscious upsurge of her childhood nyctophobia.  The panic attack she’d had six months ago had been a natural response to the city-wide power outage.  It had nothing to do with the image of Lee Taylor slashing his wrists under the crescent moon.  That felt more like a premonition, a vision.  Why else would she be so shaken by a dream about a fellow art student she’d barely noticed before?
Anne shivered as she remembered the motorcycle flying over the hilltop, the shriek of metal when he crashed, the way he pulled himself into the shadows and flipped open the pocket knife.
“First time?”
Anne looked across the aisle at the stranger who had spoken.
“Is this the first time you’ve flown?” he repeated.
She nodded.
“I thought you looked kind of scared. If you like, I can sit next to you and talk. It makes the time go faster.”
He smiled and Anne relaxed a little. When she nodded, he moved to the empty seat at her side, introducing himself as John Wayland. He stayed there for the whole trip, talking and even making her laugh a few times. She found herself relaxing. Soon the flight attendant came for their empty glasses.
“Will you be staying in Denver long?” Wayland asked.
“No.” Her voice was hesitant. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Too bad. But maybe we’ll have a chance to get together anyway.” He reached for his seat belt. “Better buckle up.” He nodded to the lit notices above their heads.
“Already?”
“I told you talking would make the time go faster.”
Anne frowned. The time had gone too fast. She had no plan of action, no answers to the questions that began to crowd her mind. As they approached the airstrip, Anne grew quiet.
Her thoughts, however, were far from silent. The decisions she should have resolved before now clamored for immediate solutions. Where should she spend the night? Where could she find transportation? And the most disquieting—should she fly back home on the next available flight?
None of these questions were answered as she stood later, waiting to pull her suitcase off the revolving rack of luggage. She almost missed her shabby bag and reached for it belatedly only to find another hand picking it up. She looked up, startled, to find John Wayland’s grinning face.
“You’ve got to be quick around here,” he said.
“Right now, I’m too tired to be quick.” She gazed out toward the window and the night beyond. “I wonder—” She looked back at him. “Do you know a hotel where I could get a room? Not too expensive,” she added, her cheeks heated.
“Why don’t you ride with me to where I’m staying? It’s a comfortable place, good service. There’s even a whirlpool to soothe your tired bones.”
“Sounds too expensive.”
“Guaranteed to be within your means. If I’m wrong, I’ll pay the difference.”
They started walking toward the doors. “Well, I suppose one night won’t break me. I think I’ve decided to head home first thing tomorrow.”
“Really?” He held open the door for her. “Pat will be glad to hear that.”
She stopped on the threshold.
“What?”
In the artificial light, his complexion grew patchy.
“Oops,” he said sheepishly. “I guess I blew it.”
“Excuse me,” an elderly woman said impatiently from behind them.
Anne stepped aside. John held the door for the annoyed woman before he rejoined Anne.
“You know Pat?” Anne asked through stiff lips.
“I was one of her teachers last semester. We became friends. Look, Anne.” He smiled and put a hand on her arm. “There’s no reason to get upset. Pat was worried about you because she cares. She knew I was heading to Denver tomorrow anyway, so—” He shrugged one shoulder.
“Did Pat tell you why she thought I needed a watch dog?”
“She mentioned a nightmare.” He hesitated. “She also told me about the difficulties you had some time ago.”
“I’m sure she filled you in quite thoroughly.” Anne switched her suitcase to her other hand. “Abandoned childhood, disrupted foster homes, a severe phobia. If I go back, there will probably be a nice starched jacket waiting for me. Well, no thanks, Mr. Wayland. I don’t need that or your special attention.”
He put a hand out to stop her, but she brushed past him. Mouth set in a straight line, she didn’t bother to look back as she jerked open the door of a taxi.
“Where to, lady?” asked the driver.
Anne fell back in her seat, her face still hot.
“Anyplace with a vacancy sign.”
But beneath her anger throbbed an ache for the vacancy that had opened in her life once again.
*
Dawn was hours away. Lee sat up and removed the gum from his mouth, quickly replacing it with a fresh stick. The spearmint cooled the delicate tissues of his mouth. He suddenly needed an icy drink of water and a picture of Silver Creek flashed through his mind.
The rush of clear water filled his brain. It tumbled over rocks and foamed and sparkled.
He jumped up to turn on the light, then placed a prepared canvas on the high table against the wall. From among the jumble of oil paints, he chose colors and mixed until he had the exact shades he wanted. He raised the brush…
Hand suspended, Lee stared at the pure canvas and tried to project the stream onto it with his mind. He frowned and a flush began to spread coral fingers across his cheeks.
With a jerk, he threw the paintbrush across the room. Losing control, he began throwing jars of tempura paint. The glass exploded in brilliant hues, making the wall a mad mural of red, yellow and blue. Shards dripped their colors onto the carpet.
Lee flicked off the light and stepped to the window. In the night, the driveway remained only a black line through dark tree shapes. Moonlight glinted on the carefully planted wilderness of the front garden.  Lights from the closest neighbors looked like stars dotting the slope in the distance.
He could not see the creek behind the house, but as he leaned further out he could hear the running of the water.
On the hill, a white bulk drew his gaze. At this distance, the abandoned building looked more like a ghost than a scarred and decayed farm house. He stared at it with eyes as blank as its curtain less windows.
He looked down to the cement of the patio. The before-dawn humidity left a cool breath on his face. He leaned further…
An owl hooted a warning and caught Lee’s attention. Once again, his ears tuned in to Silver Creek.
If he’d been given Susan’s room, he could have seen the water.
“The bastard probably did it on purpose,” he muttered as he pulled his head back.
He tried to avoid his work table when he turned the light back on, but the pull proved irresistible. He ground the palms of his hands together to still the urge to pick up a paintbrush.
Instead, he reached for the pile of uncompleted projects—the badly started, the half-finished, the rejected works—that were all he’d been able to create lately.
The frustration returned with a sense of worthlessness. He cursed raggedly and dumped the paintings back on the table. Abruptly, he turned toward the bathroom, hesitated, then walked close enough to see the reflected light in the medicine cabinet mirror.
He stayed there, motionless, as the night outside the window shaded into the rosy colors of dawn.
*
The young girl perched her toes along the edge of the pool. Knees bent, she put her arms over her head and leaned forward. Her body angled toward the water, taut and smooth, the hip line just beginning to grow fuller, small breasts proudly mounding the floral print of her bikini. With a push, she sliced into the water.
From the kitchen, Hector watched Susan, his bulk no more than a darker shadow behind the screen of the door. The girl reached the far end of the pool and hauled herself, dripping, from the water. The man did not blink or give away his presence by any movement. Only his eyes followed her.
“Finished so soon?” Charles asked from behind him.
Hector whirled around, his lip curled.
“The car looks disgraceful after our expedition the other night,” Charles said. “I suggest you tend to that now.”
Hector pushed through the door and Charles stepped forward to the vacated observation point. He watched as the Cadillac was backed out of the garage—as close to the swimming pool as possible.
Charles turned his attention to Susan. She would be a beautiful woman someday. Athletically inclined, her body was trim and well-toned, immature as yet but apparently adequate to arouse Hector’s interests.
Dangerous interests, Charles reflected.
He explored the loose metal stripping of the threshold with his shoe and frowned. That would have to be taken care of before someone had a nasty fall.
“Lee,” Susan called from outside. Head thrown back, she directed her smile at the second floor. “Come on down and swim. It’s beautiful out already.”
Charles could not hear the reply, but as he stepped out into the sunshine, Susan ran up to greet him.
“Why not get your suit on, too, Uncle Charles?” she invited. “Then the three of us can have a race.”
“Lee is going to join you?”
“Sure, he said he’d be right down. So how about it?”
He declined, using the difference in their ages as an excuse. He lowered himself into a yellow-cushioned chaise lounge, one eyebrow raised, to watch the back door.
As he suspected, when Lee did arrive, he did not wear swimming trunks.
“Where’s your suit?” Susan asked as her brother approached.
“I don’t feel like swimming,” Lee answered, choosing a metal armchair to sit in.
“But it’s so hot,” Susan protested. “How can you stand wearing a long sleeved shirt?”
“Perhaps because necessity is the mother of invention,” Charles intervened.
“Huh?”
Charles did not answer her perplexity, but smiled as Lee pulled uncomfortably at the concealing cuffs of his shirt.
The young man looked drawn with sleeplessness, his hair dark lank across the paleness of his brow. His fingers, Charles noted, rubbed together in an endless gesture.
“You missed breakfast,” Susan said. “I’ll make you something. There’s ham and eggs and jam for the toast. I hope you like scrambled because I always seem to break the yolks when I—”
“I’m not hungry.”
“You’ve got to eat. Breakfast is the most important—”
“I said I’m not hungry,” Lee snapped.
Susan’s mouth clamped shut and she blinked rapidly.
“I just meant—” she started weakly.
She turned away and Lee made a half-formed move in her direction. His fists clenched, he settled for awkward words. “I’m sorry, Sue. I guess I’m just nervous. Irritable.”
Susan stared at her brother, her eyes huge. She seemed to have forgotten Charles.
“I remember,” she said, “when Daddy was alive. You used to be—nervous—then, too. But never with me.”
“God, Sue,” Lee said, pressing fingers to his eyes. He stood up. “I said I was sorry. I can’t—”
He broke off, leaving them without another word. A silent Susan waited as he headed across the yard, toward the hill and the white house that sat just beyond the crest.
“Why does he go there all the time?” she asked. “The only thing left is bad memories.”
Charles watched the diminishing figure on the hill. As Susan walked slowly back to the house, he closed his eyes and leaned his head back. With his face relaxed in the warmth of the sun, the corners of his mouth turned gently upward in a smile.

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Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Bend Me Shape Me by Debra R. Borvs

*Due to strong language the book would be more suited to 18+  *
   *Suspense*

    Excerpt 

CHAPTER 1 
Blitz swung the chain at Snow’s head, but she ducked in time. The half-inch links powdered the damp wall of the abandoned room. White dust and plaster bits rained on her head and into her mouth. Spitting, she rolled to the right and scrambled behind the skeleton of an arm chair to a corner littered with crumbled foam rubber and rat crap.
His shouting echoed off the walls like an avalanche. She shivered, from the cold, from the adrenalin. Where would the next blow come from? Then she heard the clatter, smack, whir of the chain again. He was now beating the fuck out of the bicycle he’d ripped off last week.
“Stop it,” she screamed even though he wasn’t listening.
Snow knew Blitz was crazy. They’d met at the shrink’s office, so of course she knew. Maybe that had made it part of the fun: tight gut, razor-cut black hair, six feet two inches tall, and nuttier than a wino ranting and raving in the back car of the L train.
Who wasn’t crazy in this motherfucking world, one way or another? So if he lost it once in a while and smacked her around, she could deal, and give it back at him, too. She was no weak, pathetic bitch like her aunt. Men were pigs, everyone knew that. You just needed to be an asshole right back at ’em so they knew their limits.
But this, Snow thought, looking up over the back of the chair, this might be her limit for once. She’d never seen that look in his eyes before—his baby blues replaced by super-shiny ceramic orbs from a horror movie. And what the hell was he saying … screaming?
“Fucking terrorists. Killing kids, cops. It’s the CIA, that’s what it is. Navy SEALs. Out to control us. I’ll get the rat bastards. Wipe … out … every …”
With a last swing of the heavy chain, he rapped himself in the back of the head, the tip circling with a sickening thwack across his face. He staggered and turned toward Snow and she could see his eyes again, glassy and wide above a bloody broken nose. His breath made cold clouds in the frigid air, two hazy breaths, before he fell, sloping slowly left and thudding against the floorboards.
He started crying then, blubbering, snot-filled cries like a baby, like her brother Alejandro when he thinks he’s going to get yelled at. Yet worse, somehow, deep and disturbing. She closed her eyes and put her hands over her ears. Not to shut Blitz out, not really, but in reaction to the familiar buzzing in the pit of her stomach like a frenzied swarm of insects.
She’d known this was coming, the crack up, the end. She’d been dealing with his paranoid mutterings, the single stick needle sleeves strewn all over the squat they shared with three others. The dope had made it better for a while, taking his head to someplace other than the paranoia, but it had gotten so bad he was shooting anything he could get his hands on. Huffing even, his mind gone, gone, gone while his body wasted to a thin stick with a bit of meat on it.
When she looked again, he had pulled himself to the wall and sat leaned against it. His gaze caught hers and for a second she recognized the guy he used to be, trapped behind the madness: Barry Cochran, twenty-three, from South Bend, Indiana. Then she saw the knife in his hands as he reached up to cut a long deep arc across his throat, red, gaping, bloody.
He was still alive when she reached him—she saw fear in his eyes and a look like he was asking for something. But what, what? To stop the blood that pumped steadily from the wound? Or to let him die so he could have some peace now?
His eyes clouded over.
“No,” she sobbed, wrapping her hands around the gash. The warm stickiness leaked through her fingers, soaked through his coat. She shrieked, a breath-starved sound more like a whine. “Barry, Barry, come on now, Barry. Stop it, okay, just stop it. We’ll call Dr. Levinson, the bastard. The useless …” The bleeding slowed, stopped. “… shrink …” He looked at nothing now, saw nothing. “… fucking bastard.”
Snow lowered her hands, staring at the blood on them.
“No,” she muttered. “No, no, not again.” She wiped her hands on her coat but she couldn’t clean them. She knew she couldn’t clean them. She’d always known that. Blood on her hands. Always on her hands.
She gagged at the coppery smell and stifled a scream that rose like vomit. Steadying one hand against the floor, she rose to her feet.
Her fault, her fault, always her fault.
Chílwitwapsúx, her mother had called her. Little Devil. Screaming all around her. Alejandro crying somewhere. Her mother calling her names, cursing her. “Filthy girl. Born in blood. You will die in it.” Rough hands pulling her away, thankfully away from something she didn’t want to see.
There was no one to pull her away now, to protect her. She held her bloody hands in front of her, looked down at the sticky mess on her coat. No water to wash with, no way to rinse it all away. She stripped naked, kicked the clothes across the room, and tried to clean up from a small snowdrift blown inside through a broken window pane. She rubbed her fingers till they were numb, clawed at the traces of crimson around the nails, in the creases. She used their sleeping bag to dry herself, shuddering, shivering, then pulled on dry clothes from her backpack: jeans, a hoodie, but no coat, no gloves. Both their coats were covered in blood and the drop-in center had been out of gloves when they tried to get some yesterday.
Snow did not look at Blitz again, but she could see him still, would always see him, slumped against the wall with wide, dead eyes, a trail of drying blood from neck to lap.
The house they were squatting in had all the ground level doors and windows boarded up, which had made it feel safe when they first settled in. The only way to exit was by descending into the dark basement and climbing out the side window. Lifting a loose board that hid the cracked glass, she wiped at the dusty panes and peered out. Wisps of snow twirled in the empty lot next door, but nothing else stirred. She threw her pack out first and squirmed through, lowering the window quietly behind her.
The snow had stopped and gray clouds made it nearly night already. A cold wind cut through her sweatshirt as she pulled on her backpack and headed across the lot. The West Side of Chicago was changing and not too far away new townhouses were going up, old brownstones being renovated. Here in gang territory, however, it still looked as demolished and war-strewn as 73rd and Paxton.
A stray dog looked up from a pile of trash when she passed, ready to run if he had to. She crossed California to the alley behind a half demolished building. A dumpster sat, half filled with rubble from the destruction, and there was a spot between it and the wall where the ground was still dry. Squeezing into it butt first, Snow used her backpack as a seat cushion. Wind kicked up light flakes around the building she’d just left, like some ugly, dirty snow globe.
Squatting with her arms tight around her legs and forehead pressed to her knees, Snow rocked on the balls of her feet. To the south, the hum of traffic along the Eisenhower Expressway. Nearer, beneath the dumpster, the scurry of rats looking for supper. That feeling in her center, the one she couldn’t describe except to say when she was a kid she thought it meant she was going to die, tightened her chest, filled her mouth, made it hard to breathe.
You must learn to trust. The remembered words seemed to echo against the metal dumpster. Snow shivered but it had nothing to do with the cold. You must learn who to trust. I can’t help you if you don’t. Even your brother knows that.
Her throat hurt. She plucked at the sleeve of her sweatshirt like something was stinging her. She shook the shrink’s words out of her head.
Blitz had trusted Levinson, at least at first, as much as any paranoid psycho could. But that hadn’t helped. Nothing ever helped. It had only grown worse. She’d watched Blitz get so bent and twisted he didn’t act like himself any more. She thought she could see that starting in Alejandro. Everything spinning out of her control. Would her brother end up in an abandoned squat with his throat slit and no one to stay with him but the rats?
Not if she could help it. Not at all. No matter what she had to do. She’d already shown that, hadn’t she? This was nothing compared to what she remembered in her nightmares. Blood on her hands, on the knife in her hand. Screaming in her ears.
Her resolve eased the tension, pushed the memories back. Settling herself more comfortably, she pulled a plastic grocery sack out of her backpack and found a stolen candy bar to eat for supper, wishing to hell she had some fresh water to drink and a coat, a Goddamn coat against the cold.
After eating, she lit up her last, half smashed cigarette, and sat cross-legged, waiting while the night lowered and the wind began to clear the clouds overhead. Soon Jinx would come, or Tina, and they’d crawl through the window and find him, crazy, fucked up Blitz, with his throat slit and her fingerprints all over the room. And somehow, someone would let them know, the police pigs. And they’d come looking. Like they did before. But this time they wouldn’t find her.



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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Bare Back by N. Kuhn

*Yes 18+*
*Romantic Suspense*



Excerpt

      Turning away from Mitch, I try to wipe the drool from my mouth without anyone noticing. My cheeks burn and I hope he can’t see me blushing. The green button down he was wearing hid a lot. The man has the chiseled body of an Adonis. His shoulders, arms, chest, abs, all of it massive and well defined. He has a stomach you can do your laundry on. His left arm and right side are covered in ink and it just makes me want to jump on his cock right here. I may have a slight weakness for tattoos. Too bad his friend is here. Sex Kel, that’s it, it’s only sex. I say it in my head like a mantra. It’s not love, just a dry libido needing watering. Taking a deep breath, I turn back, and his pale blue eyes are fixed right on me. For real? The man has just been shot and all he can do is stare at me like he wants to eat me. Which, normally, would be absolutely fine with me, except its Mitch. The man who broke my heart. My first love. I’ll never forget that empty feeling, the pain I went through when I realized he didn’t love me. The fact that his brother was right about it, only made it worse. Why him? Why did the rescue team have to include Mitch? I have to remember the pain. That’s the only way I’ll survive this. I can’t let him back in to hurt me again. I made that promise to myself ten years ago. I won’t back down from that. Looking away from him again, I can’t bear to see the bullet wound in his bicep. Blood runs down his skin, and I feel bad that it’s my fault. His arms are like a piece of art and not only is this a man I saw myself marrying when I was young and dumb, but it’s also a law enforcement officer, hurt, because of me. How had I missed the Gessatti connection in Billy Joe’s file? Plus, if there’s crooked Rangers, then maybe that explains how he seemed to have gotten away so easily in the first place. This whole thing should have been an easy pick up. Billy Joe’s not even that smart. But the whole thing is turning into a mess.

“Ok darling, we’re all done here,” I hear Dodge say. Looking back at the two men, they seem so alike. Both attractive, built, strong men who obviously take care of themselves. They are the type that makes women weak in the knees. But Mitch does it for me. When I look at him, my heart flutters and I can’t even remember his partners here. I’m in deep shit.
“Ready to go find your dad?” Mitch asks me. Shit. I can’t believe I even forgot about dad. Nodding my head, I run my hand through my hair. I hope he’s ok. Crap, what if those guys find him before we can make our way back there? This is not good.
“I have a map here, can you show us where you left him? We’ll figure out a way to get back there quick, hopefully without running into those guys again,” Dodge says, handing me the map. His boyish grin compliments the green eyes and blonde hair he has. Never have I been happier that I deal with potbellied cops instead of these gorgeous Rangers. I mean, is it a requisite that they’re attractive? Do they have to hand in head shots when they fill out the application?
“Darling? You ok?” Mitch asks me. Snapping out of my thoughts, I kneel down next to the guys, glad that I’m a woman and they can’t see my arousal. Though, the grin Mitch is giving me says he might. Unfolding their map, Dodge shows us about where we are. According to this, we aren’t too far off. We can already hear the water from the creek, and Billy Joe’s campsite was near the water.
“Ok, this is about where dad is,” I point to a clearing on the surface map. “We can follow the water down and get to him pretty quick. Should only take us about twenty minutes.” The guys look at each other and nod. Mitch slowly puts his shirt back on and though part of me is sad to see it covered again, some part of me is filled with relief. I can tell he tries to hide it, but I know better. I see the flicker of pain that flashes across his face as he shoves his arm in the sleeve.

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Monday, February 17, 2014

TORTURED TRUTHS by Randy Attwood

*Mystery/suspense*
!8+

An excerpt from TORTURED TRUTHS
The first Philip McGuire mystery by Randy Attwood

Chapter 1

I could feel the car turning a corner, the centrifugal force smashing my face flat against the side of the dirty pillowcase tied over my head.
"Israel never rule us. We kill everyone first. You tell America," the interpreter's voice scolded me.
My hand had stopped throbbing and that worried me. It was strange. Suddenly, I missed the pain, when all my pleas to God before had been for the pain to be gone. Now, I was worried about its absence.
"Jews ruin America. You should never let them in. Take over everything. Zionism. In their stinking blood. Only way stop them by kill them. You tell America," the interpreter said, only he wasn't interpreting for anybody, just spouting the general Hezbollah philosophy.
I wanted to say something cute like "fuck you," but that might jeopardize my release. I didn't have much courage left. In fact, I didn't have any courage left. My supply had been exhausted in shockingly short order.
The car stopped. The hood was taken off my head. The bright sun of Beirut blinded me. My pupils squeezed tight. My eyes adjusted a little by the time my good hand was untied from the interior car door handle. My captors had the back door open and were pulling me out of the car. I looked again at the face of the son-of-a-bitch, the one they called Mohammed, who had taken so much joy looking into my eyes while the cutter had done his work on my hand, the hand now wrapped in the dirty napkin as I held it high against my heart. I looked at that motherfucker's face and felt the hope that hate gives. The hope that I'd see that face again and have a fair chance to get even. Fuck that. Have an unfair chance. Have any chance to get even. You and me someday, Mohammed. Give me that, God, I prayed. But God hadn't answered any of my prayers lately. Maybe I'd be due someday.
"Cab take you embassy. Go." The interpreter said and pointed to the cab parked in front of us.
Outside, the basic stench of Beirut assaulted my nostrils. Cordite. Maybe left over from the big explosion that woke me up.
Mohammed, his goon friend and the interpreter didn't say goodbye. They got back in their car, reversed it away from the cab they had put me in, pulled out into the street, and were gone.
In the back seat of the cab, I kept still, trying to suppress the relief of being released. It still could all be some sort of a trick, another sort of torture. Maybe the cab would drive me right back into captivity. Right back to the laughing face of Mohammed. But soon the roadblocks built around the embassy came into view and I could see Marine guards in combat fatigues. The cab stopped.
"Go no more close. Get out here. You give tip?" he asked, looking back at me, extending his hand. On his face was a grin acknowledging that what the mouth just asked was outrageous. But what did he have to lose?
Outside the cab, I finally felt safe. The Marines were in sight so courage returned. I took the time to walk to his window. He moved his hand out that window, the grin growing larger, amazed that maybe the crazy American just might give him a tip. I leaned towards him to spit in his face, but my mouth was too dry.
I did manage to say "fuck you," before I walked unsteadily towards the guards.
The embassy was a fortified compound. Weapons were at ready, guards thick as gnats in a swamp. Their faces were haggard and as I stumbled towards them, I heard the clicks of machine guns switching to the ready position.
"My name is Phillip McGuire. The Hezbollah have just released me."
"Yeah?" one of the Marines asked.
"Yeah," I responded.
I thought he looked at me as though he knew all about what I had done and was guilty for the death of all his comrades and deserved to be shot where I stood. Couldn't blame him. I felt that way myself.
"Just a minute."
He picked up a field telephone, spoke briefly.
"Foreign officer coming. Wait here."
If I had to wait much longer, I'd be waiting flat on my back. The guard's face was starting to sway and my hand was beginning to throb again. Odd, that pain can be welcome.
Then I saw Ben Johnson trotting my way. He recognized me at once.
"Phil! Christ, you all right?"
"Free. Alive. It's a start."
"What's with the hand?"
"It'll need looking at."
"Let's get you to the dispensary."
"Ben, could we get me a cold beer first?"
"You bet. I'll tap the Ambassador's private supply."
The beer hit my tongue and throat and life bloomed again inside my desiccated heart. That swig did me more good than all the drugs they pumped in me later. I finished drinking as we walked to the dispensary where they laid me down on a cot. A nurse poked a needle in my arm.
I woke up in a field hospital where a doctor soldier informed me they had to remove the thumb, middle, and ring fingers of the left hand. Gangrene had set in. I needed a good hand surgeon, which they didn't have, so they were shipping me out to Wiesbaden, Germany. Drugs again and I was out.
When I came to again, I was on a plane. I was pretty sure I had seen the guy sitting beside my cot in the hallways of the embassy. My head was pretty clear and I didn't feel pain in my hand. I wondered what combination of drugs created that effect. Wonderful effect. I wanted more.
My hand was wrapped to my chest.
The man introduced himself as Bob. No last name. He said he was from the CIA and would start my debriefing. "Any idea why they nabbed you?" he asked.
"Visited the Marine barracks for story." I said. Boy, drugs made speech pretty blurry. That was okay. Mind was still clear. "They wanted to know the layout."
"And you told them?"
Easier to nod the head up and down than talk. Mind not so clear after all. Really didn't like, mind not being clear, not clear at all.
It felt like my hand had been glued to my chest.
"Before they released me they made me watch the news reports over and over again."
"Two hundred thirty seven Marine deaths," Bob commented.
"Mohammed laughed as I watched the reports and said: "tank you, tank you. Mister McGuire."
"Don't blame yourself. Security was shit there. Letting you tour the place is proof. We tried to warn them, but they wouldn't listen. Layout could have been learned a dozen ways, and probably was. Yours was just one."
"Think so?" I managed to say before the airplane started spinning around. I wanted to believe him. Wanted oblivion more. It came. Oblivion is so nice, especially on an airplane spinning around. Nicey, nicey. Tank you, tank you.
*
The next time I woke up the hand hurt again, but my mind was clear. I wished I could have another shot of whatever they had given me before, because what was also clear as hell to me was that when I tried to move my hand it felt like what was left of my thumb was stuck to my chest.
I was still on the airplane. CIA Bob was still beside me. Some time had passed because his jaw showed stubble.
"Now, how about some descriptions? Did you hear any names mentioned, other than Mohammed? Get any idea where they held you?"
"Why the hell does it feel like what's left of my thumb is stuck to my chest?" I asked instead.
"Didn't they explain? They're going to try some reconstruction surgery on your hand and they need the skin flap from your chest. They've sewed your thumb stump to your chest. Amazing what they can do these days.
"Now, about those descriptions. It's really important to us."
Obviously more important than my thumb.
I started with Mohammed. And remembering and telling everything helped me to keep my mind off my hand. It also let my mind complete some thoughts I had begun in captivity.
A bottom line conclusion was printed in Second Coming type. The pain in my hand underlined it: I was getting the hell out of journalism. I had had enough. I was quitting. I was a quitter. So what? Fuck you.
*
Dr. Jack Winkler, a young blond surgeon at Wiesbaden, was enthusiastic after his examination of my hand with the stub of my thumb sewn to a skin flap still attached to my chest.
"Good work. The amputation is well done. So here's the deal. You've still got your little finger, index finger, and the lower joint of the thumb. That's really great. We won't have to use a whole toe to make a thumb.
"Here's what we do," he sat down on a stool and scooted next to me, pointing at the digits as he spoke. "We take part of the second toe of your left foot and implant it for a thumb, and then we'll move your little finger over as your ring finger, because sticking there," he pointed at my little finger, "all alone won't do you much good. Better to have a companion for the remaining index finger. Most importantly, you'll have grasp and pincer movements. Cosmetically, it should be quite acceptable."
"Shall we go ahead and set this all up?" He asked and you had to see the smile to understand the confidence the young man had in himself and make you believe it would be the best course for you, too.
"Sure, why not."
"We'll let you heal a bit first. A week or so. See how it goes. We'll pump more antibiotics into you," he said scribbling notes on a chart. "Call the nurse for a pain shot if the pain gets unbearable. I know it's uncomfortable having your thumb stump sewn to your chest. If you've ever wondered if there was an evolutionary advantage to having a hairless chest, now you know.
"We're going to need that chest skin. You're lucky. Your hand will look pretty decent, not like some of the messes I've had to deal with. Tomorrow we're working on a guy who lost his whole hand. We're going to try the Krukenberg Operation. It was first developed fjust after World War I. You divide the bones in the forearm, cover the stump with skin and given them an active pincer with sensitive skin. You sort of turn the forearm into an appendage that looks like a toothless Moray eel. See you later."
And damned if he didn't whistle on his way out the door. Surgeons love to cut. Makes 'em happy. They whistle when they're happy.
Mohammed's cutter was whistler, too.

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